This article offers a guide to reframe the view on the word ‘selfish’ to help guide with setting boundaries in relationships by saying no more often.
Many people have a difficult time saying no to people, especially their loved ones. Often, they express frustration and anger about ‘being taken advantaged of,’ but decline any solutions that would mean they do not give what is asked by their loved ones. The proposed solution is quickly meant with “but that would be selfish, and I can’t do that.”
How is selfish defined and viewed?
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the top two definitions of the term selfish defined as “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” and “arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.”
The definition fits with a view of the word selfish as the ‘dirty word’ that most people are very uncomfortable being associated with.
We can all agree, the word ‘selfish’ is not viewed in a positive light. However, at certain moments in life, it is necessary to be a little selfish. In such moments, we are engaging in ‘good selfish’ behaviors.
How Does This Relate To People And Relationships?
Most people fear being viewed selfish, and easily give whatever is asked of them. Often, they comply even if it comes with a high cost by imposing negative consequences in their personal life.
For instance, many people have family members who often asks for money and they give it even if they don’t have enough to pay their personal bills. Their actions are mostly driven by having love and care for their loved ones. However, there is also a measure of concern that they would be considered ‘selfish’ and ‘mean.’
There is a likelihood that the person being told no will judge it as a ‘selfish’ action, but their assessment is one perspective that is not based on absolute fact. In saying no, the person is being honest of their limits and ensuring they first can fulfill their own needs before they can commit to others. In doing so, it limits there being bigger problems later on. Thereby, by saying no, they are engaging in ‘good selfish’ behaviors.
WHAT ARE GOOD SELFISH BEHAVIORS:
- Making decisions from a place of personal values and goals versus pressure and guilt
- Taking moments for yourself to make sure personal needs are getting met
- Setting boundaries with others so your values and integrity are respected
- Taking time to engage in self-care activities that rejuvenate
- Engaging with an attitude of openness and availability to help others, yet balancing it by first satisfying individual needs (e.g. safety and security)
Most often, engaging in some form of ‘good selfish’ behavior is necessary for things like: survival, to support oneself in reaching personal goals, or living your values. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to end that unhealthy relationship, striving to complete a PhD program, or simply fully enjoying life.
In other words, to engage in ‘good selfish’ is creating balance. It is giving yourself love, care and support toward achieving, living, and realizing your dreams; while remaining open to offering the same for others whenever possible.
WHAT ARE NOT GOOD SELFISH BEHAVIORS:
- A constant unbalanced attitude of “me, me, me”
- Remaining self-centered with absolute no awareness or care for the needs of those around you
- Complete disregard of others emotions and how they are being negatively affected by words or actions
- Full disregard of boundaries set by others with sole focus on meeting your own agenda
There is a fine line between the two.
In testing which you’re engaging in, it is helpful to create balance by assessing what is the motivation behind your attitude and actions. Assess and make sure the actions are for the greater good of not only yourself, in the now and future, but also for others.
It’s healthy to sometimes keep the focus on yourself. The key is keeping a healthy balance.
How To Set Boundaries In Relationships, And Say No More Often?
HAVE THE RIGHT ATTITUDE: Give yourself permission to set boundaries, and support yourself. You deserve to be acknowledged, heard and respected.
KNOW THYSELF: Take time to assess and learn about who you are, what you need, and what you value. Identify what you feel comfortable with, and what you will not accept.
RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE YOURSELF: Take time to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings about any challenging experiences that occurs in relationship with others. Listen to your inner guide (i.e. intuition, gut instinct) communicating discomfort (e.g. gut feeling uneasy, headaches, tension). Discover ‘what’ was crossed, ‘why’ it bothers you, ‘how’ you need it corrected, and speak up.
KNOW AND AFFIRM YOUR LIMITS: Take time to not only know your limits, but most importantly stand firm and make sure others are abiding by what you need. Give a voice to what’s within, by openly expressing it to others. The sooner you do it, the sooner you experience emotional peace.
SAYING ‘NO’ IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE: It helps to keep it simple and firm. You are not obligated to go into full details about your reasons for say no. Do not let someone guilt you into actions you do not want or feel comfortable providing.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Take time to just acknowledge any uncomfortable emotions or discomfort that arises. It’s completely normal and natural to feel whatever emotions arise, but you do not need to be controlled by them. Remember to breathe and engage in self-care activities.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE: The more you practice setting boundaries and giving a voice to what you need, the easier it becomes. Remember, it is completely fine and your right to affirm your needs – set boundaries. Be kind and patient with yourself with the process. Give yourself time to build confidence and tolerance with setting boundaries and saying no when it’s needed.
Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself. By: Montaigne
There isn’t anything wrong with ‘good selfish’ behaviors that create a balance and support a message of “I love me” when in relationship with others. Set boundaries and get comfortable with saying ‘no’ more often.
So ask yourself:
What beliefs and attitudes do I have about setting boundaries with others?
What am I doing to practice “good selfish” behaviors?
How can I further improve setting boundaries in my relationships?
