Some emotions have a bad reputation that follows them. Most often, emotions like happiness and joy are praised while sadness and worry are shunned. People want to welcome the emotions that helps them feel good, but completely reject those that creates negative feelings. Why must it be so? Mostly, it is due to the uncomfortable, at times quite painful, mental and physical experiences that results from feelings like: sadness, worry, and guilt.
Most people are greatly adverse to experiencing pain. It is in our biological make-up to help us not be exposed to things that could shorten our lifespan. Naturally we avoid things that creates a pain response.
Yet, we have the same response with anything that creates emotional pain. And it quickly becomes a powerful motivator for avoiding challenging emotions. Avoidance may work with matters related to physical pain, but it cannot be so so with emotions.
We quickly forget ‘negative feelings’ are just as important and useful.
Why is it important to experience negative feelings? All emotions, both positive and negative feelings, must be welcomed because they offer information. They offer an internal warning signal about what is happening internally. They help us guide our experiences.
What, come again?
Yes, you read that correctly. You must go into the emotional discomfort. Stop avoiding the natural experiencing of negative feelings.
We are much more willing to re-engage with things that caused physical pain versus anything that led to intense negative feelings. For instance, a burn from touching something really hot on the stove or the oven does not mean we completely stop from ever entering kitchens, cooking, or eating. Physical exercise that causes intense muscle fatigue and soreness (a.k.a. pain) does not mean we never exercise.
Or does it? Hmmm….
All jokes aside – Often it is the opposite when it comes to our experiences with negative feelings – the hurt, sadness, anguish, disappointment, and shame. Instead of re-engaging with negative feelings, we want to ignore or completely avoid them. It is much easier and deceivingly pleasant to ignore or avoid.
We choose to escape through distractions, that are often unhealthy, attempting to mask there is a matter or problem that must be addressed. We trick ourselves to believe we are not feeling anything and do almost absolutely anything else – like: bingeing on the junk food, drugs, shopping, gambling, reality tv shows.
The list of things we do to distract is quite exhaustive. Yet, most everything will lead to ineffective means of attempting to guard from acknowledging and connecting with negative feelings. Instead of using distractions or avoidance as a means of protecting against it, we must instead choose to embrace and connect with the negative emotions; just as much as we do with positive emotions.
The journey of effectively learning to manage painful negative feelings is a similar process to what happens when we physically work-out muscles for increased strength and agility. At first, it is a very painful process. Yet, it is easier with time.
Initially, the emotional pain feels intense and only tolerable in small doses. The amazing thing is, that is the very process that is making you stronger. Before you know it, you will effortlessly tolerate much more.
Like working out, gaining greater strength and ability to manage painful negative feelings takes work but gives excellent results:
- Setting your mind to do it
- Going through it
- Managing your internal dialogues about what you are capable of doing
- Creating a plan that can push you a little further past your comfort zone
- Executing the plan, and continuously adjusting based on your current needs
- Consistent practice
Keep In Mind The Following, During Your Journey of Letting Yourself Experience Negative Feelings:
- Set the intention to learn how to increase you tolerance of sitting with painful negative emotions
- There will be moments when doing so leads to thoughts of “I can’t bear this. I’ll die if I deal with this,” but that is just a mind trick you can ignore – You will increase your tolerance for how much you can handle
- Practice, practice, practice – It is key for success!
So, ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
What is ___________(fill in blank with emotion) is telling me?
How can I build emotional strength?
Consciously choose to Discover ~ Connect ~ Live
